Mindful Girl Blog
Modern love
Most women I know would go above and beyond for their children, less so for their spouses, and even less so for themselves. I see this where I live in New Jersey: In the toys people buy for their kids, in the designer clothes they dress them in, and in the energy they expend making sure their children are ahead of the game in every measureable area of their existence. Whether it takes the form of piano lessons, soccer clubs, private school, cooking classes, tutors, summer camp, or the over-the-top pageantry at bar mitzvahs.
Books and articles have been written on the pressure cooker that is modern society, particularly as it pertains to how we raise our children. But what about the loss of couplehood or the loss of self that is a common side effect of this type of lifestyle?
As a woman, I can only speak from the space of being a mother and a wife. For years after I gave birth to my first child, I struggled with the concept of “time for me.” Worse still, I completely abandoned “time for us.” And the consequences made themselves known very quickly. Stress, anger, resentment, loss. This is the start of what many psychotherapists refer to as “suburban angst.” The stuff of films like “Little Children,” “American Beauty” and “The Ice Storm.” I’d like to know of a married person who has watched those films that hasn’t felt a deep sense of empathy, remorse, or at the very least, paralyzing fear.
At the time I saw American Beauty, my parents were on the verge of divorce. It pained me to watch the demise of the on-screen marriage as I simultaneously considered the end of my parents’ marriage — a 25-year plus journey that started out with high hopes and dreams. I sobbed through the entire credits.
When I first read Little Children, I was astounded at the similarities, if a little exaggerated, between the people and places I knew in suburban North Jersey, and the characters represented in the book. My heart sank. Is this the future my married friends and I were headed towards?
It’s a conversation I keep having…whether it’s in intimate gatherings like book club or one-on-one with colleagues or during workshops like the ones Esther Perel (author of “Mating in Captivity“) leads on modern couplehood and the quest for eroticism.
I keep talking about it because I’m not convinced suburban marriage has to end badly, despite the more than 50% divorce rate we hear about all the time.
I’m also not convinced that happy endings come without really, really hard work. And then, of course, there’s the big question. Is the hard work all worth it?
The couples who don’t think so split. The couples who do keep banging their heads against the wall trying to figure out the magic formula for staying married and staying happy both at the same time.
I’m not sure what the answer is, but have you tried “make believe?” It’s something you probably do with your kids all the time. You come home from work exhausted, but you find the energy to play dinosaurs with the three-year-old. Your toddler is having a fit in the supermarket, but you look at her and say “Honey, I love you, but if you don’t stop screaming right now…”
Recently, playing make believe worked for my marriage.
I don’t know when it happened, but my husband and I stopped saying “I love you” before he left for work in the morning. It just slipped away through the rigamarole that is getting three kids out the door at 8 am. I wanted to get back to that place where I said “it” and I meant “it.” But I was having a hard time feeling the love at 8am in the friggin’ morning with two kids hitting each other, one kid screaming, two backpacks, one lunch, and four pairs of shoes to remember. But it was important to my husband, and I could see that, so I played a game.
I started saying it, but I didn’t mean it.
“I Looooooooooove you.”
“I love youuuuuuuuuuu.”
“Oh, how I loooove you!”
Oh, of course, I love my husband. But I didn’t mean “I love you” in the middle of morning madness. At least, not when I started.
For the first week of sarcastic “I love yous,” my husband rolled his eyes. By the second week, it started to get a little funny. By the third week, it was a little private joke he and I had with each other. And by week four, I meant it. I got back to loving him on weekday mornings.
I understand that some marriages are so far down the proverbial shitcan you can’t see your way to being playful with each other. But can you be playful for your kids?
Guess what? Being playful (if not loving and sweet) with your partner is a gift to your children. Moreso than anything you could buy from a store.
Try make believing and before you know it, it might become real. After all your word is your world.
And what started out as a gift to your kids will become a gift to yourself.
–Jen Maidenberg
Sugar is my drug
Anyone who knows me knows that sugar is my drug, particularly chocolate chip cookies, with dark chocolate a close second. I’ve given up a lot of food and drink in the name of wellness. And, don’t get me wrong: I’ve seen big benefits. Otherwise, why would I stick with it? It’s certainly not the easiest way to live.
The most profound impact comes when I completely eliminate sugar. Notice I’m not using the past tense there. Because like any addicition, I struggle with staying the course.
Today happens to be Day One of yet another attempt to get back off sugar. The holidays always trip me up. Since January 1, I’ve committed to giving up sugar twice, only to fail within a few days. But as a firm believer in accountability, I’m once again making public my attempt to go off sugar.
The Chicago Tribune reported last week in an article entitled “Sugar Shockers,” that for the first time the American Heart Association has set a sugar benchmark for daily intake. (I was quoted in this article, which is cool, but not the important part.) No more than 25 grams of added sugar a day for women and 37.5 grams for men.
What’s 25 grams of sugar? You’re gonna tremble as you read the label of your:
Yogurt containers
Spaghetti sauce jars
Salad dressings
Cookies
Power bars
25 grams is not a lot. And if you think Splenda is the answer, well then you better head over to this post by The Wellness Bitch. She’ll give you a thing or two to think about.
Wrapping your mind around sugar takes a lot more thought than choosing “sugar-free.” In fact, nine times out of ten if the product is labeled sugar-free, you shouldn’t be picking it up at all.
Wish me luck on my journey. And, if I were you, I’d stay out of my way the next few days. Cranky bitch doesn’t even begin to describe it.
–Jen Maidenberg
Cracking the Egg Debate
Confused about which eggs to buy? Local, organic, cage-free, Jersey fresh? Which will taste best? Which are the healthiest? Which supports local farming efforts?
NJ-based Catherine Delett of Consume This First begins to crack the big egg debate with a trip to the local grocery store.
Get In the Game
Mindful Girl is excited to kick off an ongoing series of guest contributions from local holistic health experts. Today’s point of view is courtesy of Nicole Koroghlian, a social worker, community educator, and founder of NJ-based Wholesome Kids Cook. Nicole is also a certified Dr. Sears’ L.E.A.N. Program Coach, teaching parents and kids how to live a healthy lifestyle through eating nutritious foods and keeping fit.
By Nicole Koroghlian, Wholesome Kids Cook
I broke my own meal-time rules yesterday. Never serve my kids a new food without offering at least one or two other familiar foods at a meal.
My rule is based on my own experiences, talking with other parents, and countless hours of research on the topic of picky eating. Children can be fearful and hesitant to try new things and that includes new foods. However, despite this, I believe that to grow a healthy eater, you need to continue to introduce new foods and then offer them regularly. BUT, take baby steps. This is where my rule comes into play. If you want your children to try something new, invite a few supporting “cast members” (familiar foods) to the dinner plate so it’s not so overwhelming. Plus, if it doesn’t work out, your kids have something to eat for dinner, avoiding the urgency to become a short order cook and whip up another meal.
Despite my own better judgment and advice, last night at dinner, I threw my sons (ages 5 and 7) a curve ball and then I made an “error on the play.” Yes, even the “experts” make mistakes.
Feeling brave last night, and perhaps a little cocky, I prepared pan-seared tilapia with a citrus/shallot sauce (which sounds more complicated than it actually is, really), fruited couscous and roasted Brussels sprouts for dinner last night. This was a new menu, but I figured they like breaded tilapia and they like grilled salmon with lemon, so why not tilapia pan-seared with a citrus/shallot sauce?
We sat down for dinner and my kids were completely surprised by what was on their dinner plates. I forgot even the most adventurous child can get thrown off with something new. They reluctantly agreed to try the fish. “Yuck,” they said, most likely having made up their minds already.
Determined not to give up my husband and I encouraged them some more and asked if they would like more lemon on their fish. “You love lemon on your fish,” we reminded them. “No!” they said, and things started to spiral. My younger son began to cry and yelled, “Now I am going to be starving!” Tears streamed down his face. Okay, a little melodramatic but it was working.
THEN, as if it couldn’t get any worse, he cried out, “I just want a hot dog.” A hot dog?!? I could feel the knife go through my heart. I have worked so hard to get my children to enjoy real food, not the usual kid fare. And now my son is crying for a hot dog. (And this is from a kid who says I quote, “Peas and carrots are so yummy, make me an asparagus frittata, I just love green beans.” And for the most part is an adventurous eater. Go figure.)
Crying…Requests for hot dogs.”I’m going to starve.” All this commotion was swirling around in my head. What was I suppose to do? I didn’t have a plan. And my son’s cries tugged at my heart strings. My immediate response was “don’t worry we will get you something else to eat”…Major ERROR On The Play!
As the words came out of my mouth, I knew I just broke another rule. Never become a short-order cook at meal time. What message does this send? Cry, wail, complain and you will get something else to eat. Oh boy, did I mess this up big time.
Although I didn’t actually prepare something else, I did serve them some left-over roasted turkey, cheese and raw veggies. It still represented the same message.
They finished eating, excused themselves from the table and my husband and I continued to enjoy the delicious dinner along…with a glass of wine. Feeling slightly deflated, but still optimistic, I figured tomorrow is a new day and I will try again.
But I was reminded tonight that they are still kids. They want to eat familiar foods, yet for the most part, I have been successful in developing their healthy eating habits by following a few simple “rules.”
1. Take baby steps to develop their palates.
2. Expose them to new foods regularly.
3. And, most of all, respect them. Respect what they do and don’t like, but don’t cater to their every whim.
I will present them with the fish again soon, but next time, I’ll offer it with a side of homemade oven-fries for a little safe measure.
It’s Easier Than You Think
I’m so proud to be part of a movement that strives to change our children’s future. This video is profound and simple at the same time.
Thank you, Healthy Child, Healthy World.
